Trigger warnings: mention of bullying, self-harm, abuse, suicide, and vulgar language.
With this week being anti-bullying week, I've decided to share my story of bullying and how reading helped me. For some people this post might be a bit heavy but without people being brave enough to tell their stories bullying doesn't stop.
A word. A label. That one teacher.
When you get called stupid and lazy by your teacher and it really knocks your confidence.
Then that teacher spreads that mentality to other teachers, and it gets out to the kids.
Nobody wants to be friends with the 'lazy' kid. The teachers don't let 'lazy' kids go on trips to meet authors. The 'lazy' kid isn't good at anything and gets put at the back of the classroom for every lesson. The 'lazy' kid isn't normal.
Then ‘lazy’ gets a real label: Asperger’s Syndrome. At this point you’re given Biff, Chip and Kipper books, but at home you’re reading the thrilling adventures of Artemis Fowl.
You’re left with people constantly picking at your flaws.
The teachers’ favourite students start picking on you, so the teacher turns a blind eye.
You decide to read The Witches but get told that your reading level is too low, even though at home your reading level is high. (You have started getting into large non-fiction books about WW2 which has become the new fixation.)
After a while the bullying dies down, but you’re left as the 'weird' kid.
Within the space of a week you lose your 'friends' because they don't want to be associated with you, but who cares when you’re too busy listening to the Fantastic Mr Fox audio book?
When you get overstimulated by noise, people, and the constant need to protect yourself, you act out. Apparently, those are anger issues, and you’re the problem, not the environment.
Sounds horrible, right?
That was my experience.
As well as school, home life became unbearable too. I found my escape in books and reading. At that point my favourite book was Holes by Louis Sachar. It’s about this guy with really bad luck and all these bad things happened to him. Honestly, I wanted everything happening to me to be a curse because then it could be broken.
At this point the world took a downward spiral. The bullying ramped up as it wasn't just my classmates bullying me, but students from my entire year. My teachers knew what was going on but didn't seem to care. Just when I had started to perform better in English, I was moved to a group for people with learning difficulties. The book I was made to read was too easy for me, so I lost interest. During this time the most memorable book I chose to read at home was 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - A Trilogy of four'. Every time I read it, I laughed, and in those brief moments I could forget that I was planning how I wanted to die; that one of my parents was a narcissist who was constantly shouting at me, and that everything seemed pointless.
'Fucking retard' was apparently the appropriate response to rushing to get the lunch box holder from outside when I didn't want my lunch to be ruined by the rain. The person who was actually supposed to do it was nowhere in sight. My teacher found me in our cloakroom hiding behind my coat. At that moment I blanked out. I remember telling my mum the whole story after school rang her and she took me out of school for the week. During this week I read The Hunger Games and honestly, I wanted my whole class, year, and even the teachers to be in the games. I also devoured The Spiderwick Chronicles books as I had finally just watched the movie.
After this one week of pure nerding out I had to go back to the 'thunderdome' (Mad Max is one my all-time favourite movies). Now on the surface, things appeared to be sorted, but some of the keener bullies just did it on the sly and I was too worn out to care. Honestly, if I went into all the details of my bullying here you would be horrified.
Throughout it all, my one solace was reading. You would never find me without a book. At this point I had read all the Lord of the Rings books, even The Hobbit. They were my escape from my real life. I had stumbled across the Twilight saga and wanted a weird vampire to stalk me so I could become a vampire and get revenge on my bullies. Some books I don't even remember the titles of but were great fun, nevertheless. I remember buying the Ink Heart series and I wanted the power to bring fictional characters to life. Coraline was both a really good book and epic movie and all I ever wanted was a sequel.
During the toughest times, books were always there for me.
I personally don't like many books with bullying in them, as most of the time they end up with a happy ending and no one has a lifelong trauma. I'm not saying all instances of bullying end up escalating to that level, but I know that in the real world, bullying isn’t often sorted. I know that my bullies have most likely forgotten all about me, but I will never forget them.
To leave on a more positive note, I will say that it gets better. You will move forward with your life. You will make friends, live your life, find work and most importantly start to heal slowly.
This was my story to you.
If you’re facing anything like what I went through, you shouldn't have to go through it alone. Here are some places that may be able to help.
Childline - 0800 1111 (UK)
They are a free and confidential helpline for children and young adults. They can offer support online and on the phone 24hrs a day. They even have a dedicated page to bullying.
Anti-bullying alliance (UK)
A group of organisations and individuals working together to stop bullying. They are there working with schools to educate teachers on bullying and get kids talking. They are doing and odd socks day on the 15th of November so please get involved with #AntiBullyingWeek
STOP BULLYING NOW HOTLINE (USA) 1-800-273-8255
• Helpline set up by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
• Available 24/7
KIDS HELPLINE (AUS) 1-800 55 1800
• Advice for children parents and schools
• Available 24/7
NSPCC HELPLINE (UK) 0808 800 5000
• If you are an adult concerned about the safety of a child
• Available 24/7
• Help and advice from the NSPCC’s trained counsellors
YOUNG MINDS (UK) 0808 802 5544
• Advice for parents on bullying and mental health
• Open Monday-Friday 9.30am-4pm
KIDS HELP PHONE (CANADA) 800-668-6868
• Available 24/7
• Bilingual
• Advice for children and youth
Ella
Writer
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